Already got asked if we're dating
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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