I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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