I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize