I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
