Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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