Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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