i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
