I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize