Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
