please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
