I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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