You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Randomize
