Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
