After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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