Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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