I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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