just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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