god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
