I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The best revenge is premature balding
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
