I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
