Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
