Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you didnt know i had herpes?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
