you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
