okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
