I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
