my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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