i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
