Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
just come out here and I will go home with you...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
