but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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