We won't sleep together?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
being pregnant is like rehab
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
