I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
