my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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