Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
