did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
