Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
