Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
