Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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