Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
