i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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