if you like me you must not know who I am
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
