Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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