You can't special order awesome
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
