i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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