guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
