Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
