Don't make out with my wife yet
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Say something about gay babies.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
