Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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