I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
