I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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