i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
