I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
