OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
