youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
