what day is it and did you see me today?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
