I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
