Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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