so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
