Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize