I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Floor bacon is actually really good
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
